Monday, May 30, 2011

Hyenas, Children of the Corn 4,5,6, 7, Kiss of the Vampire/Immortally Yours

May 24, 2011
Hyneas (2011 really??)

Oh Costas, you sure get around don't you? You can really belt out some convincing praying/crying/acting right? Or.. well.. yeah. This creature feature was creature light and Disney Lion King Hyena heavy. I almost expected Whoopi to start singing in those scenes! But no. I did however, get funny music whenever any of the Mexican dudes were on screen. Is that a fair trade off? Still not sure. Holy shit how does this crap get made? And why do I keep watching it?

May 25/26/27, 2011
Children of the Corn 4/5/6/7 ((1996/1998/1999/2001)

These have blurred into one huge shitty movie about some corn or something. I'm too shell shocked to remember any more. I do recall they got worse as they went along with 4 being *almost* watchable with Naomi Watts in it. As for the rest, I dunno. I don't like corn much anyways. Good thing. Yuck.

May 29, 2011
Kiss of the Vampire/Immortally Yours (2006/2009). yeah. I don't know what that means either.

HOLY SHIT. I thought Goth was bad? Well it was, but this is so. much. worse. In so many ways. I am a a loss at where to even start. The acting? One of our favourites, Costas Mandylor is in this, AND HE IS NOT TOP BILLED. Among NOBODIES. I'm not sure what means as he was making the Saw movies at the time. Hmm. Anyhoo, the acting. The vampires, oh the vampires. They roar like lions, shake their heads while "feeding" every 15 seconds and mince (seriously. mince.) with the shoulder shaking goodness of a silent film star from the 20's. They also read their lines like a bad SNL sketch, and wear matching capes!! They also all sleep in the garage with matching coffins. Not the lovely big mansion they pout in. Huh? What? Yeah. The effects amount to nothing more than ketchup and sight gags you did with your friends when you were 8. Holding a stick to your chest and gargling. The lead Vampire Hunter dude's death scene alone gave Paul Reubens in the BtVS movie a run for his money. The difference? Peewee played his for laughs. :( They try to look big budget by using an RC helicopter as a police chopper. RC FUCKING HELICOPTER? One of the most telling things, is the lead actress in this has scrubbed her name off of it in an acting capacity. Poor Kat Hawks (who was Katherine Hawkes when she made this) this POS made her change her name spelling and get plastic surgery. Although that seems a good choice in hindsight. There is so much badness here it's hard to make a coherent review of it all. The extras in the glamorous club scene? The cops that keep looking at the camera? The fucking FLOATING HEADS IN SPACE?? I would rather watch no, wait, READ Twilight again 1000 times than watch this once more.

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