Monday, May 30, 2011

Hyenas, Children of the Corn 4,5,6, 7, Kiss of the Vampire/Immortally Yours

May 24, 2011
Hyneas (2011 really??)

Oh Costas, you sure get around don't you? You can really belt out some convincing praying/crying/acting right? Or.. well.. yeah. This creature feature was creature light and Disney Lion King Hyena heavy. I almost expected Whoopi to start singing in those scenes! But no. I did however, get funny music whenever any of the Mexican dudes were on screen. Is that a fair trade off? Still not sure. Holy shit how does this crap get made? And why do I keep watching it?

May 25/26/27, 2011
Children of the Corn 4/5/6/7 ((1996/1998/1999/2001)

These have blurred into one huge shitty movie about some corn or something. I'm too shell shocked to remember any more. I do recall they got worse as they went along with 4 being *almost* watchable with Naomi Watts in it. As for the rest, I dunno. I don't like corn much anyways. Good thing. Yuck.

May 29, 2011
Kiss of the Vampire/Immortally Yours (2006/2009). yeah. I don't know what that means either.

HOLY SHIT. I thought Goth was bad? Well it was, but this is so. much. worse. In so many ways. I am a a loss at where to even start. The acting? One of our favourites, Costas Mandylor is in this, AND HE IS NOT TOP BILLED. Among NOBODIES. I'm not sure what means as he was making the Saw movies at the time. Hmm. Anyhoo, the acting. The vampires, oh the vampires. They roar like lions, shake their heads while "feeding" every 15 seconds and mince (seriously. mince.) with the shoulder shaking goodness of a silent film star from the 20's. They also read their lines like a bad SNL sketch, and wear matching capes!! They also all sleep in the garage with matching coffins. Not the lovely big mansion they pout in. Huh? What? Yeah. The effects amount to nothing more than ketchup and sight gags you did with your friends when you were 8. Holding a stick to your chest and gargling. The lead Vampire Hunter dude's death scene alone gave Paul Reubens in the BtVS movie a run for his money. The difference? Peewee played his for laughs. :( They try to look big budget by using an RC helicopter as a police chopper. RC FUCKING HELICOPTER? One of the most telling things, is the lead actress in this has scrubbed her name off of it in an acting capacity. Poor Kat Hawks (who was Katherine Hawkes when she made this) this POS made her change her name spelling and get plastic surgery. Although that seems a good choice in hindsight. There is so much badness here it's hard to make a coherent review of it all. The extras in the glamorous club scene? The cops that keep looking at the camera? The fucking FLOATING HEADS IN SPACE?? I would rather watch no, wait, READ Twilight again 1000 times than watch this once more.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Tales From the Crypt: Ritual, Hellraiser: Bloodline, Werewolf (MST3K), Black Death, Children of the Corn 3: Urban Harvest, Harvesting Horror: Children of the Corn

May 18, 2011
Tales from the Crypt: Ritual (2002)

I actually really enjoyed this. I KNOW RIGHT??? But I have a soft spot for Voodoo movies and this was really fun. Tim Curry is in it along with Jennifer Grey and the incomparable Craig Sheffer! Silly good times and even though my copy was kind of shitty, it made me want to be somewhere tropical. Without Voodoo spiders or zombies.

May 19, 2011
Hellraiser: Bloodline (1996)

PINHEAD IN SPACE! I actually hear that in my head said like PIGS IN SPACE from the Muppet Show. File that under shit you didn't need to know. Anyways, yeah. Pinhead in space. And in the past. I reckon this was scratching close to the bottom of the barrel at this point in the Hellraiser films yes? The origin of the box. Ooooooh. The cool thing? The dude from Step Brothers and Parks and Rec is in it. Hmm. Who knew? This killed an afternoon. Oh yeah, and there is an awful kid in it. With a stupid bowl cut. And that is all I got about this one. AVOID.

May 20, 2011
Werewolf/MST3K (1996)

Gah. I had ONE success with the bots. One. I totally thought they wold be able to make this rancid piece of shit smell like cupcakes but BZZZZZZZT. WRONG. The premise of this turd is WEREWOLVES IN NEW MEXICO. But it forgets that weak sauce for some of the worst acting I have ever seen. Everyone was Eastern European trying to do these Yankee accents, well except for Martin Sheen's brother. Who was eerily like him. It was kinda creepy. So um.. yeah. Terrible acting, terrible plot and no love/funny from Mike and the bots. SAD FAIL.

May 21, 2011
Black Death (2011)

Bloody depressing. I liked the Nic Cage one better. 

May 22, 2011
Children of the Corn 3: Urban Harvest (1995)

He Who Walks Behind The Rows in the big city! Well goooolllleeee.. OMG. This was a fucking hilarious shit fest from beginning to end. From the terrible mid 90's clothes to the splatter-riffic ending that had puppets, stop motion and I shit you not, dolls! It was fantastically, astonishingly convivial to behold. Really damn funny. Go watch it. 

May 23, 2011
Harvesting Horror: Children of the Corn (2004)

Nice small documentary (was an extra on the bonus edition of the first COTC) about making the first movie. The director and the 2 main child (kinda) actors tell about making the film. Some good insights into doing some effects on a small budget. A good watch.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Priest, Serial Mom, Cecil B DeMented, Demons, Zombie Nightmare (MST3K), Demons 2, The Clinic

May 13, 2011
Priest (2011)

I liked Thor more. Lest I seem like I'm damning this with faint praise, I did enjoy this. The plot was thin, but it was pretty and had some cool action. It is the same dude that did Legion (also with Paul Bettany) and you can tell. I dunno, it was a good popcorn flick. But I haven't thought about it since I saw it.

May 13, 2011
Serial Mom (1995)

It's been so long since I've seen this (once, in the theatre!) that I was totally surprised how much I enjoyed it. Kathleen Turner was adorable in it, and it captured the mid 90's as a perfect little time capsule. Hilarious and how can you not love a movie that has someone beaten to death with a ham?

May 14, 2011
Cecil B. DeMented (2000)

Chris couldn't believe I hadn't seen this. Neither could I. Thank you Netflix for showing me the way. This was truly absurd and painfully funny. I think it may be Melanie Griffith (much like Honey Whitlock)'s best work. Also; I think this was right after she had a bunch of plastic surgery done, she looked really good! Art imitates life. *sigh*

May 15/16, 2011
Demons, Demons 2 (1985/1986)

Having never watched these back to back we reckoned it was high time we did. Both classics in the Demon genre (there's a Demon genre? YOU BETCHA) these are absolutely batshit insane. Really no explanation of why or how the demon invasion comes about (aside from some bizarre narration of the movies inside the movies!) you are left to ponder the hows and whys alone in your head. Oh fuck that! THERE ARE DEMONS!!!!! Drooling, teeth and fingernail growing, pus spewing DEMONS!!! We get re-cycled actors from 1 into 2, and the plot follows the same basic formula. Which proves beyond a shadow of a doubt, if it ain't broke don't fix it. LOVE YOU DEMONS!!!

May 16, 2011
Zombie Nightmare/MST3K version (1986/1994)

Wow. Oh Canada sometimes you just go out of your way to make a fine ass flick like this one. Right? All I can say is I'm glad I watched the MST3K one of this. Mike and the 'bots provided much needed laughs when I would have been crying. Thanks guys. Never mind how a Haitian Voodoo Priestess named Molly (!) lives in Montreal. Just pay no attention to Adam West and his cigar. Actually, I rather liked it. YMMV.

May 17, 2011
The Clinic (2010)

Moms in jeopardy are always great subjects for horror. Everyone has a Mom and some of us are Moms. Everyone knows a Mom! This was an almost (SPOILER) a Battle Royale type flick for kidnapped pregnant ladies. It was gruesome and creepy. The outback (this is an Aussie film) is a wild scary place and the setting is just perfect. I just finished watching this as I type, so haven't had time to let it fully sink in yet, and a couple of the plot twists are a little hard to fully buy. But all in all I enjoyed this. Don't let the preggos in your life watch this ok?

Friday, May 13, 2011

The Rite, Hatchet 2, Beneath the Dark, Tucker & Dale VS Evil, Husk

 May 9, 2011
 The Rite (2011)

Am I the only one who roots for Satan in these movies? Sir Tony was quite good in this, if not a little more Hannibal than I expected. The imagery was pretty cool, and it was shot really lovely. But damn.. give a Demon a chance ok? 

May 10, 2011
Hatchet 2 (2010)

Goddamn I love me some Adam Green. His work just keeps getting better and better. There's some nice nods to other flicks in this (not just his own Frozen, which scared the frozen poo out of me) and his writing is spot on. Funny, bloody, gross beyond belief (the first kill is absurd in it's delightful awful-ness), I can't wait to see what he does next. Viva La Crowley!

May 11, 2011
Beneath the Dark (2010)

This was preachy, boring and, stupid. And that was the good bits. I hate these (SPOILERS) Oh noes I'm dead movies. I mean it it's tough to pull this off and this was an epic FAIL. Meadow Soprano can't raise her acting above a writhing pent up, high school production of Our Town. The lead actor dude, who sometimes slips into a weird Irish accent (despite having said he's never been to Ireland in a speech he gives to black Jesus) is awful. Just the fucking worst. Holy shit Netflix, how about you buy Blade 1 for us Canucks to watch and get rid of some of these POS's? Sheesh.

May 11, 2011
Tucker and Dale VS Evil (2010)

Now this, this is pure fucking movie GOLD HERE. I really had no expectations for this and was so far passed pleasantly surprised it was in Shaun of the Dead territory for both Chris and I. Seriously, we haven't laughed this hard in a movie in so long, it was a thrill to find this. Alan Tudyk and Tyler Labine are our charismatic lead hillbillies. Our female heroine is played by 30 Rock's Cerie who I just LOVED. She was sweet and funny and it was a great role for her. Honestly I can't believe no one has thought of this *twist* on the hillbilly from hell genre. An absolute blast for anyone, horror fan or not. This was maybe the best indie film I have seen in ages. If you like SOTD you'll LOVE T&D VS Evil! Go watch now. NOW I SAID!

May 12, 2011
Husk (2011)

Kind of like Children of the Corn with scary scarecrows (hahaha) and a little bit of ghost stuff tossed in. Not exactly boring, but kinda played out. The plot was a little dopey, but there was some creepy images, and some good solid jump scares. An ok afternoon diversion.

Monday, May 9, 2011

How to be a Serial Killer, Vampire in Brooklyn, Blade Runner (Final Cut), Zombieland, The Prophecy, Goth, Mother of Tears, The Number 23, Scream 1, 2 &3, Creepshow, The Grudge 2, They Live, Dreamscape

According to Chris I should be blogging more often. I agree as it can be a slog to get through all these entries for me never mind my faithful audience. All 2 of you. I'll try to get it on 2x a week from now on. Now onto the show...

Apr 28, 2011
How to be a Serial Killer (2008)

Wouldn't you know it, my note taking skills for the last week or so have been non-existent, so you lucky duckies get to read my shitty memory addled recollections of these! This was pretty entertaining even if it did fall apart in the last 20 minutes or so. I enjoyed to infomercial style, and wish it had been more like that. Sadly, it's hard to keep up a good gag like that and this suffered from it. I'd only recommend this if you really like the genre (self aware/smirking horror comedy) or if you want to be a serial killer.

Apr 29, 2011
Vampire In Brooklyn (1995)

Remember when Eddie Murphy was funny? Not fat suit wearing funny or animated donkey (which I love) funny, but really funny? Yeah me either. I had never seen this mash up of Wes Craven and Eddie and I have to admit I really kinda dug it. Loved Kadeem Hardison as a ghoul with dropping face value. I was surprised by how good this looked, and how suave Eddie was. I'd watch it again.

Apr 29, 2011
Blade Runner The Final Cut (1983/2007)

I only saw one scene that I had never seen before in this cut. I'm not a rabid fan girl though and subtle nuances may be lost on me. A classic, beautiful movie.

Apr 30, 2011
Zombieland (2009)

9th time or so watching this I think? Duh.

May 1, 2011
The Prophecy (1995)

You really forget what a good actor Christopher Walken is don't you? I'd totally believe he was a pissed off angel who creates really unhappy ghouls to drive him around (because he CAN'T DRIVE OK?) and looks into little kids mouths for a missing soul. Maybe he really does that IRL? And Viggo as Satan? *dies a little with awesome* Perfect casting. Great story, pretty visuals and Elias Koteas. YAY!!

May 2, 2011
Goth (2002)

I had already rejected a bunch of movies for today and time was getting short. It looked like this was going to be a forced upon me choice and ugh. I feel like I have been mind raped by a hot topic goth. My GF's and I were talking about the worst movie we had ever seen (one picked Dinner for Schmucks, one picked Liquid Sky) I had nothing to add to the conversation because I hadn't seen this filthy piece of garbage that offends the very core of my being. Yet. This rancid, insipid, poorly written look at "Goth" was just so awful, I feel like I need a Silkwood brain shower to cleanse the terrible from my head. Maybe a lobotomy? Maybe the fucking losers that made this had already partaken of a lobotomy? To make matters worse (like I thought that was possible at this point?) everyone in it is UGLY. Not like Hollywood ugly, REAL UGLY. I am sad that I've seen this. I think I'll have a cry and maybe some ether to wash away the GOTH.

May3, 2011
Mother of Tears (2007)

The world had been waiting for this movie for so long, that I fear there was no way Argento could have made a fitting end to his masterful trilogy. Yeah. That is kinda how it worked out too. I love me some Asia Argento, but this was um, not very good. It looked ok, but the story was weak, and the ending seemed super rushed and tacked on. Only for serious Argento fans. Proceed with caution.

May 3, 2011
Number 23 (2007)

My notes say "Jim Carrey is a terrible actor". Let's just leave it as that then. No need to mention the terrible story, and the saxophone. Nope, no need.

May 4, 2011
Scream 1,2,3 (1996,1997,2000)

Yeah. All of them in one day. It's blurred into one big movie. That's all I got.

May 5, 2011
Creepshow (1985)

Classic. A must see. Except for the Steve King one.

May 6, 2011
The Grudge 2 (2006)

Weird and time flippy. I love watching these with Chris cause he gets all screamy. This was slightly better than average sequel fare. If you like the J-horror, you may get a kick out of it.

May 7, 2011
They Live (1988)

DAMN!! Roddy Piper wears the dirtiest jeans EVER in this. The fight scene with him and Keith David is legendary (and choreographed by the actors and actually fought for 5 minutes longer than the 20 seconds Carpenter had planned. That is dedication to your craft!) and worth watching for it alone. The message is even more relevant today, and stands as a cheese-tacular flick for the ages.

May 8, 2011
Dreamscape (1984)

This movie came out the same year as Nightmare on Elm St and had so many of the same features it makes one wonder what happens when scripts float around long enough. It also bears noting it's resemblance to Inception as well. Also I think Mr Tim Burton must have seen this and used the visuals as inspiration for Beetlejuice. Dennis Quaid was never so young and handsome. Same goes for Max Von Sydow, minus the handsome. I really enjoyed this, I mean how could you not? It has a stop motion snake man!