Friday, July 29, 2011

Mortuary, Scream 4, Captain America, The Hitcher (2007), Dylan Dog Dead Of Night, Cry Wolf, Society, Brain Damage, Satanic Rites of Dracula

July 20, 2011
Mortuary (2005)

Tobe Hooper directed this. I've seen this before but I for the life of me couldn't remember most of it. I do like that Tasha Yar from ST:NG was the Mom. Also; unhappy endings make me happy. I LOVED the crazy acid flashback Aunty. She was awesome. The movie was eh.. forgettable I suppose. Which is why I forgot I saw it in the first place. Durrr. 

July 21, 2011
Scream 4 (2011)

I coloured my shoes black while I watched (loose term used here) this. It was so seriously bland that the sharpie running out was providing me with more tension than the movie. Happily I got my shoes all done and they look amazing. The movie? What movie? Oh yeah. It was on. That is as good as it got. :/

July 22, 2011
Captain American (2011)

It fulfilled this quotient as fantasy. The only woman in the whole movie had gorgeous lipstick. It was pretty good as a popcorn flick. Sure, take the kids. I was sad the Red Skull wasn't juicier, but Hugo Weaving is always fun to watch. And Cap had some totally ripped abs. Also, the CGI making Cap look like a 100lb weakling was AMAZEBALLS. Good job!

July 23, 2011
The Hitcher (2007)

Holy shit Sean Bean makes for a good scary heavy! He was the shining bright light in this otherwise dull remake. It was nice and gross too. So yay for guts!

July 24, 2011
Dylan Dog Dead Of Night (2010)

This was way better than we thought it was gonna be. Superman still can't act but his sidekick more than made up for it. The effects were ok, but did I mention his sidekick? Sam Huntington? He was really good! Peter Stormare (who scares me just by breathing) seemed to lift his performance right out of Constantine so was fine too. All in all, I was pleasantly surprised by this. Low expectations FTW!

July 25, 2011
Cry Wolf (2005)

This movie looked like it should have been made in the 90's. Over plucked eyebrows and turtlenecks were abundant. The movie itself I quite liked. Decent twist, fun to watch. Nice afternoon diversion. 

July 26, 2011
Society (1989)

Another Brian Yuzna grossout! Where else would you get to see the fantastic Billy Warlock emote like a champ? This movie is a total batshit crazy mess. In the best way possible. I'm still not really sure why the stuff that happens, actually does happen. But isn't that one of the charms of a Yuzna flick. Not for the weak of stomach. Butthead.

July 27, 2011
Brain Damage (1988)

Wow. Aylmer is a wormy thing that sings, dances, eats brains and gets you fucked up like a superstar. Problem is, he destroys you while doing this. I so love this messed up world that Frank Henenlotter creates! Grimy, weird, and nonsensical, this place is scary and twisted. I love this movie with my whole heart. 

July 28, 2011
Satanic Rites of Dracula (1973)

Dracula wants to end the world? Really? This is a strange little flick from Hammer. It is set in the modern world, and the highlight for me was seeing Patsy from Absolutely Fabulous as the damsel in distress. And a bodacious red head to boot! Odd movie, but fun. It was on the same disc as Argento's Deep Red Hatchet Murders I found at a used DVD place. Wack eh?

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Pulse, House of Fears, The Breed, Days of Darknes, Days of Darkness, Halloween 2 (2009), Prophecy 2, Piranha 3D, Burnt Offerings, Vanishing on 7th St, Source Code, Iron Doors, The Innocents

 July 7, 2011
Pulse (Unrated 2006)

I hate to admit this, but I've seen this already. I hoped the unrated tag would change something, make it better, grosser, more, um.. better. No such luck. Still has Veronica Mars wandering around with the guy from Vampire Diaries. Nope, no good. The world still gets over taken by a computer virus that sucks all the happy out of people. The exact way I felt after watching this. Sad Panda.

July 8, 2011
House of Fears (2007)

I was expecting this to suck BALLZ. Really. It was on Netflix and looked absolutely terrible. I was pleasantly surprised that this was a few notches above the fare I have come to expect from that combination. The acting was pretty decent and the story was nice and tight. The sets looked great! It was set in a Haunted House so if there was an element of cheese, it really worked with the story. I have nothing really negative to say about this. Good on ya HoF!

July 9, 2011
The Breed (2001)

Someone saw the Matrix and wanted to make a Vamp movie that looked like it. FAIL. Oh man, where do I start? Bai Ling and her very strange costumes? The confused story? The way Adrian Paul leapt through the air blasting his guns a la John Woo? The terrible dialogue? Ugh. Hot mess doesn't begin to cover this turd. I do have to say Chris and I had a good time MST3K-ing our way through it. But of course YMMV. 

July 11, 2011
Days of Darkness (2007)

We totally thought this was a zombie movie. Netflix said it was! So we waited, and waited and waited. But sadly the story of a Quebecois man's mid-life crisis never materialised into anything other than a boring sex obsessed loser's fantasies. We seriously had no idea what the fuck was going on, and fully expected a zombie invasion/outbreak until maybe 3/4 of the way through. :( So it turned out to be a horror movie of a different kind. A sad tale of how not to live your life and suck as a person. Viewers be warned!

July 12, 2011
Halloween 2 (2009)

I must have some sort of self flagellation thing going on this week. I've watched this before too, but again thought maybe I was too harsh when I first saw it. No. No I was not. I reckon Mrs Zombie needs work badly for her husband to cast her in EVERY SINGLE THING HE DOES EVEN AFTER HE KILLED HER OFF IN THE FIRST ONE. sigh. The whole scary thing about MM is that he existed in OUR WORLD. An anomaly if you will. By dragging the stupid-ness of the Sheri Zombie sub-plot into this, it ruins the construct. Ugh. What a waste of money, time and, effort. Like fuck off with your white horse bullshit. 

July 13, 2011
Prophecy 2 (1998)

Did you know this is the only time Mr Walken has reprised a role? Well it is. And it totally stands up as a sequel and a stand alone movie. Good story, fun acting (especially Brittany Murphy as a suicide who gets reprieved for her computer skills) and nice visuals. I'd watch it again. 

July 14, 2011
Piranha 3D (2010)

Even better not in 3D. I could actually see parts that were too dark to see in the theatre. Holy fucking bloody gross fun. Apparently Aja had tanker trucks of blood out there. FUCK YEAH! FUN FUN FUN. 
July 15, 2011
Burnt Offerings (1976)

I don't understand the title of this movie. But that in now way stopped me from loving it. Oliver Reed in particular as an over wrought Father who is losing control of everything. I kinda love him. Karen Black is fucking odd looking, and works it to her best ability. I love Bette Davis and (hold the goddamn phone) the kid in this movie was REALLY GOOD. Creepy as hell and super duper summer fun!! 

July 16, 2011
Vanishing on 7th St (2010)

I can say with absolute certainty that Hayden Christensen is a better actor than Robert Pattinson. If only for this role. That is totally damning someone with faint praise yes? They both are JUST THE WORST. THE WORST. The movie itself was pretty enjoyable. The shadows were tres' creepy and the idea that everyone just disappears is icky. Chris could even tolerate John Leguizamo in it. I think the whole was greater than the parts. I like apocalyptic flicks so this was a no-brainer for me. Surprisingly good.

July 17, 2011
Source Code (2011)

Sci-fi counts ya'll. It does. So we figured out the BIG TWIST about 15 minutes in. Was it supposed to be a twist at all? Eh, this wasn't nearly as good as Groundhog Day. And I had to watch so much Jake G that I nearly barfed. I only like him in Donnie Darko. Hm. I was kinda bored by this, but Chris seemed to like it. But he also is the one who tried to make me watch the last Harry Potter (I wrote POOTER at first. Haw haw) knowing we shut the previous one off due to boring. We did the same to that one too. OMG digress much? 

July 18, 2011
Iron Doors (2010)

Holy shit on a shingle this was dull. I was hoping for a Cube/Saw hybrid. NO. NO GOOD MOVIE FOR YOU. All this pointless blah blah with a more pointless and unbelievable sex scene followed by the worst ending in recent memory. Way worse than that run on sentence I just hammered out. DO NOT WATCH. 

July 19, 2011
The Innocents (1961)

Hurray for Gothic horror! Ghosts, craziness and, charming children are the ingredients for a lovely afternoon of fun. Is it real? Do I care? This is delightful old school creeps with no gore, no real effects at all. Just atmosphere and good tight story. A well deserved break from some of the garbage I've been subjecting myself to lately.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Spawn, Suckerpunch, Cabin Fever, Insidious, Idle Hands, Slumber Party Massacre 1, 2 & 3, The Coffin, Wake Wood, Final Destination 2 & 3

 June 23, 2011 
Spawn (1997)

Yawn. I seriously fell asleep watching this. Twice. Still one if the best soundtracks ever. The movie blows goats. Gleefully it seems.

June 25, 2011
Suckerpunch (2011)

Totally a horror movie. For any woman ever. Son, I am disappoint. I knew from the reviews this was gonna be a misogynistic mess but was surprised by how awful it was. The smaller the costume the crazier a bitch is? This was filthy and not in a good way. Mr Snyder, I'm gonna pretend this didn't happen ok? You had your creepy wank rape fantasy period. Let's end it here. :( 

June 27, 2011
Cabin Fever (2003)

Was it really 7 years ago Eli Roth burst (har har) on the scene with this nasty little flick? So creepy, so over-the-top gross. And one of my favourite lines/characters ever in a movie. PAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNCAAAAAAAAAKEEEEEESS!!
Oh Dennis. you know bad blood when you taste it. Go back and re-watch this. Total fun.

June 28, 2011
Insidious (2011)

Second viewing. Totally holds up as one of the creepiest movies I have seen in a damn long time. Great tension!

June 29, 2011
Idle Hands (1997)

One of my top 10 horror movies of all time. Seriously under-rated and over-looked. It has knitting in it, and marijuana saves the day! Cheese abounds in this, but if you scratch the surface, it's a fucking shit show of scary. I love this little flick with my whole black heart. I'm Leatherface!!

June 30, July 1/2, 2011
Slumber Party Massacre 1, 2/3 (1982/1987/1990)

How have I not seen any of these?
1 is a pretty straight up slasher, with lots of early 80's boobs and a pretty weak story. The really strange thing about all of these is the killers. In 1, you never really know why he's killing (aside from an article in a newspaper mentioning a psycho on the loose) or how he picks these girls. Random, but you know standard. 
2 on the other hand, is clearly BAT SHIT INSANE. I have no idea what the fuck was going on at the best of times. But it did evolve into a bizarre musical with the killer (who may or may not have been dreamed up by our final girl) singing whole songs with his guitar drill. Yes. I said guitar drill. Oh the 80's! 
3, well I've never seen a bunch of people who deserved to die more. Standing and screaming and ugggggh. It couldn't be over fast enough. And the killer seemed like he was written in at the last minute as they couldn't figure out how to incorporate one. So lets make a guy whose Uncle was a suicidal cop who may or may not have touched him inappropriately. I think. I'm still not clear.
The other thing all 3 had in common is they were all directed by Women. I wish I could say they were well directed, but... sigh.

July 3, 2011
The Coffin (2008)

Based on a true Thai Ritual this boasts. Well after watching this, I reckon no one wants to take part in this ritual anymore. It doesn't seem to work out like you planned. It's a Monkey's Paw kind of story in what you wish for comes true with TERRIBLE CONSEQUENCES! Also, it was shot with a blue filter to make it look spooky or something. It's disjointed and poorly told. Don't watch this. Go read a book. Any book.

July 4, 2011
Wake Wood (2011)

Now talking about things going terribly wrong.. what could possibly be bad about trying to resurrect your daughter from the dead? If you play by the rules, nothing I suppose. But wouldn't that be a boring movie? Good thing people in these are never playing by the rules. This was a fun Irish movie, with some creepy bits and good atmosphere. I'd say it's a watcher.

July 5/6, 2011
Final Destination 2/3 (2003/2006)

I admit it. I have a real soft spot for these movies. The Rube Goldberg machinations alone make them worth watching for me. They maintain a solid mythos and are plain ol' entertaining. You like 'em or you don't. I do. Both fun to watch my biggest beef was with all the turtlenecks worn in 2. At least that what my notes said. So yeah. I'm kinda excited to see the next one come out.